they once told me that Good luck will comes right after your bad lucks,
God is Fair enough to all his sons and daughters.
if he choose to close down your window,
he will definitely open another door for you.
i always believes in this with no doubt.
although it seems like it never happen on me,
but still i choose to believe on this statement so that i can live my life better.
compare is not good i would say,
but no compare means no improvement.
but, it's hard to not compare because this is human nature,
no matter how good friend we are, how close we are with the family members...
still we
COMPARE.
all this while,
i don't think im a good student,
i don't think im good in my studies but at least i completed my degree,
even faster than some of my friends...but, so what?
i got a job right after my convo...but, so what?
i don't see any add-on values in my life.
after all, i find myself stucked.
i thought it will be a brand new life for me,
at least something different and better,
in fact, it's not.
and i feel
ashamed on myself...
im not perfect, indeed a lot more to improve.
for my
parents,
i am always driven by my emotion and mood swing like hell.
im not good in handling issue and problem solving because i don't share.
i always thinks that i could handle it myself but in fact, NO.
for my
brother,
he always think that im spoiled.
for my
sister,
im not being patient enough and im not willing to share.
Father,
-no matter how good i am,
-how well i improve myself in everything,
(everything that you mentioned before i actually put it inside my heart and try my best to change it for you, e.g. my attitude)
-always observe good manners to improve my courtesy, e.g. table manners (as you requested)
-being elegant and aristocratic in front of everyone so that you are proud to bring me out on every outings...
-being helpful and considerate...
still, im always not good enough.
your requirement on me is way too high and i dont think i can achieve it.
i admit im stubborn for some times, on something...
i dont pour everything out when im facing problem or issue.
there is once, this people told me...
i shouldn't be too relying or dependent on somebody else,
indeed, should learn to be more tough & independent so that in future we need not to BEG for any helps on anyone else.
in fact, its so darn true.
that is why i don't share much nowadays as i believe im capable to handle all this by my own.
but, at the same time,
keeping too much on yourself is torturing.
it's just like a bomb and its timed to explode anytime, anywhere.
what a super emo long post for today.
i shall sign off before my depression mode is officially ON...
-peace-
