S: does F-O-R-E-V-E-R means FOR EVER?
H: In my dictionary, F-O-R-E-V-E-R means FOR EVER and I will take care of you FOREVER no matter what.


I used to hate promises because life is always being so UNPREDICTABLE.
BUT, he makes me believe on it, blindly.


for those awful memories,
the tears that flooded my bed sheet...


I was trying my best to buried it deep down and leaving it untouched forever.
I wish that i can forget bout the past,and everything.
but the memories are too beautiful to destroy it.

Whenever i decided to move on, something happened that holds me back.
But whenever i’m ready to commit and give us another chance to try,
he’ll just turn me off and ask me to wait.
the consequences for believing blindly & waiting like a silly is seeing him being happily together with the others.

there is a sentence where i truly agree with...
"Sometimes you might seem strong for keep holding on,but it really takes much more strength to just let it go and move on.I might sound agressive at times,looking tough and strong like nothing in this world worries me much..If i could lift it up,i could put it down."

understand, forgive and forget.

the end of 2009

31122009

am suppose this will be a great year for me,
at least, better than 2008
but, it doesn't.


both beginning and end of the year 2009 was ruined.
during the start, i forced myself to stand up,
as there is 10 more months to end 2009,
then,
a beautiful nightmare,
The beginning of Nov, i finally woke up from the dream.
flashing back the memories, laughing at myself.


no.
no one is wrong here.
but,
when you said you can't force everyone to accept,
in fact, you are FORCING ME to accept.


uhm...
things changed, it ain't simple as last time anymore.
no one can tell me what's so hard in it?
and i cannot see any also.
maybe my eye got problem, in fact, my eye really got problem
so, don't blame me, i got EXCUSE also.
:)



For Jason Bear,
although both of us got played,
yet, we have to be thankful that we are still survive,
its alright Bear Bear, you can lean on my shoulder.
i believe we will grow stronger.
:)
p/s: Lydia Tan, pls stop stalking on me...im not saying you.



To You, (you know who you are)
don't feel sorry to me,
and thanks for telling me the truth,
it may hurts, but it works.
i can finally wake myself up.
and you are not the one who should apology.


Goodbye 2009,
Goodbye the Hidden Secret...
Goodbye everyone...


:D

p/s: never ever find excuse to cover your LIEs, you are just lying to yourself. (Richard Low, 2009)

depression kills...

Thanks Jason Bear,

but am not strong enough,
Goodbye.

it is always say easier than do.

do not make promise to others
when you have no confident to make it comes true.

Monday night

had a quick catch up with Rich last night
:)
we talked, we discussed and we gossiped.
he can be a real good listener,
as he is so different with the others,
he is LAME.


he once told me,
just take whatever peoples say as an advice,
but, the most important thing is to Follow your heart.


what you really wants,
what you really needs,
what you really want to do,
basically is all inside your heart already.

so,
why not just follow your heart?

:(

seems like i couldn't take it still...
:(

Merry Christmas

i actually don't like people greet me "Merry X'mas" instead of "Merry Christmas".
What is "Xmas" wei? I don't get it.
it suppose to be CHRISTMAS, it is Jesus Christ birthday.
stop greeting me by using "Xmas".


peoples seem do not understand what's the true meaning of Christmas.
Jesus was born on this special day,
as our lovely God Father sent his only child to the world,
to experience our normal human life, spread his gospel.
in order to save all of us, he actually sacrifice himself.
therefore,
Christmas always been a special event for me and my family.


i went to the Christmas eve mass last night,
and i can truly feel that everyone of us is feeling excited,
excited about Jesus Christ birthday but not Holiday,
everyone feel blessed and joy on this special day.
when all of us singing for the song, listening to the Gospel, during the preparation of gift,
i can felt that Jesus Christ was actually there, with us.


:)
Glad to have Jesus Christ in my heart all the time,
as he always shower me with all his love and peace.
- God Bless -

Thanks and Bye

:)

yesh!
everything comes to an end...
it is like F-I-N-A-L-L-Y.
things had been dragging for so long...


from hope to heart broken,
from happiness to sadness,
from very best friend to a Hi-Bye friend.


those bitches was actually secretly laughing at me...
saying :"how pathetic that lady is...she is such a loser...and she deserves all these..."


THIS IS FUNNY.
and now i finally know that time does NOT matter.
although we have 5 years plus oh-so-called "special friendship",
still, i got defeated.
what a tragedy.


a sudden change cause a breakdown on me,
but,
since you wants it that way,
i will just follow and perfect it for you.


Thanks for the memories, appreciate.
Thanks for everything that you did...throughout the whole 5 years plus...
sincerely from my heart...THANK YOU!


but,
Guess it's time to say GoodBye!

Festive season

December - festive season.
it should be Jolly Molly,
but i don't feel any.


are you feeling jolly?
i hope you does... :)


this Month is all about...Giving and Sharing.
i've been giving so much but i don't get to share the joyful and hapiness.


God thinks that i don't deserve any of it.

bleeding

a big hole located exact on the middle of my heart,
and also surrounding by those small wounds and scratches


had a very deep fall,
everyone asking to move on,
to let go,
to forget,
to get rid of it.
it isn't easy thou.
i am stubborn, when i thinks that's the right thing to do,
i insists, no one can stop me then.


i know...
its time to let it go,
but i can't.
you all never know whats my exact feeling,
right now...in this moment...when this shit happened.


my heart is officially dead.
my mind is collapsing.
my smile is frozening.
expression is hidden beneath.

:(

im feeling so hard...

:(

tears nearly fall out...
but it didn't,
because you do not worth for it.

wound

you never know how much i love you...
just like you never know how big is the wound...
:(

but, i believe One Day,
i will definitely find someone that is way BETTER than you.

collapse

im actually having a hard time now.
i have be as natural as i can during the day time,
and i can only remove my poker face during the bed time.
when im hiding myself inside my blanket,
sob-ing quietly.

last night was a no-sleep night
whole body feeling hot and itchy,
thanks to the cat's flea...
now my whole body was full with the red big and itchy spots
dang!


i seriously think that i should let it go and move on,
but, mentally im not willing to do so.
i felt so heart broken and most of it - disappointment.


i experienced this once during the beginning of this year,
when he told me that we most probably will get back together,
when he told me that he still love me,
when he is giving me so much hope...
in the end, he choose to gave up on me and go to her.


i take some times to stand up again,
face him again.
he actually broke up with her before he went back to Adelaide.
And we seems like back to the same old time.
he take care of me, concern about me,
everyone thinks that we will be together, just time matter.


he told me he wont leave me unattended no matter what.
he told me :"you've got me, that's enough".
there is so much things...yet i remembered every single of it.


i kept all these inside my heart,
i kept it nicely and make sure i don't miss any of it,
im waiting patiently,
waiting for the perfect timing to arrive and we will hold our hands tight and walk for the rest of our life.


anyway,
i never expect for 2nd disappointment to hit on me.
again, my heart broke into pieces...
it is messy everywhere and i don't think it can be puzzle it back.
he said sorry...for giving me hope...
he is now actually having crushed on another HER
and he don't want to drag me anymore,
so he GAVE UP on me, once again.
he said he don't want to be unfair to me by treating me as a BACKUP.
he said he is actually taking a risk as well
its either he can get HER or losing both of us.


my tears flooding out when i reading on the text,
i felt like there is millions of needles stabbing on my heart and tearing it into pieces.
i couldn't stand it anymore.
i hardly stand up once again to believe we are meant to be together,
again, you pull me down.
this time, im falling even harder and hurt.
i don't know why are you treating me so mean.
why are you giving up on me so easily when there is another pops out.


when there is no one,
you call, you text, you care...
you needs me to fill up most of your times when there is NO ONE.
and now,
you don't even bother anymore by just sending a bull shit text to me.
if i don't ever ask you in the 1st place,
i think you will just keep quiet...


im telling you,
this time, im so gonna collapse...
i couldnt stand it anymore and i wont want to stand up anymore.
there is always hope but it is not with me.
do not blame me for being pessimism，
it is because you hurt me 2 times in a row.
thanks for your lovely lessons~

tears

i know the limit of myself...
i know i couldn't stand it anymore...
i am collapsing...

relief

i felt much more better after my confession to the father and my holy lord.
I've got sins from the beginning of the year until as at today,
and now im finally sin-free.
been waiting for this moment for so long.


in this world,
you contribute more doesn't mean that you will get back the equal return.
in fact, sometime you don't even get anything back.
once you used to be the contributor,
the taker will just start acted like "take things for granted".


thus, being a contributor,
you must always bear in mind that it is either you take it or leave it kind of thing,
never ever expect return from the taker.
if there is, CONGRATULATION!
if not at all, come back and try again next time.
:)

Let go, Please.